Clothes for Christmas and Catch 22s

So I am having a hard time growing up…. this is an issue I never in my wildest dreams, imagined would be a problem for me.  I have always been so independent, and mature for my age.  Moving away to school, was a fairly easy adjustment for me.  I had been taking care of myself already and spent most of my time alone my senior year.  I stayed busy to distract myself from the parts of my life that were not what I considered ideal.  College provided me with a large variety of friends and opportunities to make my own choices, but as I said before, I was making “adult” choices before I was even out of high school.

I had my rebellion stage from all those strict rules that I lived under for so long.  I got my belly button pierced, went out with the girls, drank, and danced with guys I didn’t know.  But simmered down before the first half of my first semester (I was truly blessed by God’s hand protecting me during that time.)  Now it seems as if those days were years ago, instead of a few months ago.  Now rather than getting excited about meeting people at the dance hall, I get excited about finding curtains that match the living room.  I have heard people talk about a shift in their Christmas lists over the years, and realize that, that is me!  As a child, I dreaded those too soft boxes that didn’t rattle when shook.  No kid wants clothes for Christmas.  But now, I actually ASK for clothes…… when did this happen?

At the beginning of my first semester I was still focused on myself and getting everything out of the college experience. I followed my dancing excursions with church every Sunday.  I had a confidence about me that has since been lost; but I also had a selfishness that I do not wish to find again.  I made poor choices and prayed for forgiveness, then turned around and made those same bad choices again.  Now, I don’t go to church much, but I never go out. I don’t have the confidence, but I am far more selfless. Its a catch 22.  Sure I could make the decision to start going to church again, but I need that yearning for religion that I once had, maybe then the confidence would return as well.  For now, it’s like a piece of me is missing.  I know that piece is always within my reach, I just have to make the effort to get Him back in my life.

It is so hard to be a young christian, especially in America.  We are shown so many ideas of how we should look, what we should do with our lives, who we should share our company with, what’s right, what’s wrong, what to believe, how we should act. In settling into this conformed idea of how I should be, I have lost some of myself.  I have grown up exponentially, but not into who I want to be.  I always wanted Christ at the center of my life, but now He has become an afterthought….  I know I am not the only one, who is stuck in this mold of confusion as to what/who we are.

So to all those who have lost their way (including myself), I am praying for us! That we may find ourselves again, enjoy youth and all of the rebellion in our hearts to be who we are.  May our choices be our own…(you can always ask forgiveness.) Find your happiness, and then you will want God to be a part of your life, and what a good feeling to find Him when you’re content instead of asking him for relief. I can’t wait to be in His temple again, thankful for the opportunities He gave me that I took advantage of and made my own.  Challenging myself and all the other prayer warriors to return to our faith and put everything else aside.

God Bless.